Once a year, I head over to the CDC and commit a crime for you. As far as I know, they haven’t filed a warrant for my arrest yet, so I’ve got time to ask: Did you know September is Ovarian Cancer Awareness Month?
I didn’t think so. It’s okay. Most people don’t know, since ovaries aren’t quite as glamorous as boobies, but I Hope To Baby Jesus* that you know where they’re located. If not, make sure you don’t bypass the map of Ladyland, posted below, before you click away.
My last get to know your ovaries moment, 2013’s On Lady Balls and Vaginas, taught me a lot about what information people are scouring the internet for and, gratefully, a good bit of it was actually about ovaries.
My Google rank is craptastic when it comes to design, but high for fine vaginas. I never wrote a single sentence containing the phrase “fine vaginas,” until now. Oh, Lawd. The count went from 0-2 in record time, didn’t it?
Searchers made their way to the post via a plethora of search terms. Here are a few of my favorites:
- Stolen beaver shot
- Stolen shot vagina
- Brief perv
- Lucky baby disposable diapers junior
- Matt Damon
- How much does a Poggenpohl kitchen cost
Okay, I lied about Matt Damon, but as to the Poggenpohl question, if you find a steal/deal, will you let me know? I want one too.
This is where we segue back to ovaries:
It doesn’t matter how people found On Lady Balls and Vaginas, I’m just glad they did because, in this case, a little knowledge is a good thing.
Much has changed since the last post on the sneaky little beeatch that is O.C. One of my nieces was diagnosed earlier this summer, at the age of 28 (28!); one of the cousins I wrote about last year passed away, while the other found out hers metastasized Farrah Fawcett style (not pretty), and my lone remaining aunt’s cancer has spread to her bones.
Beeatch, I say to cancer, you are one stealth mutha!!!
Study the map of Ladyland–you may learn something–and memorize the particulars of ovarian cancer the CDC outlines in the .pdf I pilfered for you. If I’m going to a federal penitentiary, at least I can pass the time with Taystee and Pennsatucky knowing you’re well-informed.
If you have a rotten family history or ANY of the signs or symptoms below, go the better safe than sorry route and see your gynecological magician as soon as possible.
Rule. It. Out.
Did you see what it says? A pap smear isn’t going to cut it, sister, and I know for a fact rectovaginal pelvic exams and transvaginal ultrasounds read way worse than they actually are. Don’t let the fancy medical terminology scare you. Good gynecologists use a magic wand and high-end lubricants, making it a calorie free piece of cake, so…
If you have a rotten family history or ANY of the signs or symptoms above, go the better safe than sorry route and see your gynecologic magician as soon as possible.
Rule. It. Out.
Hearty hugs and tons of thanks for your time,
*”I Hope to Baby Jesus” courtesy of the Canadian Kitchen Wizard aka Corey Klassen, only he doesn’t know it. Don’t tell him you saw it here first or I’ll have to pay him royalties.